It's funny; one day I'll be dominated by a particular thought or idea or whatever that seems it will continue forever, the next day will be a transition, and the following it will start again with something new. Sometimes the cycle is quicker than that, other times slower but feels quicker. But it always seems to lead me back to nothing. Not a good nothing, but a this is all worthless nothing.
Went and saw a year twelve girl's installation this afternoon. It was beautiful. Fragments, misty memories, childhood.
It left me with such a nothingness, a bad sort of nothingness, and thus furthered some thinking that I have been doing today.
Maybe I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.
Perhaps that's the reason that all my ideas for art or writing or whatever are completely unoriginal in any way, because they're somebody else's that I'm trying to steal to give my life meaning. Maybe that's why things don't feel like they fit, I don't seem to fit into my world as I am, only as I try to be. And that somebody I'm trying to be is influenced consciously a lot at the moment by a whole group of ideas that sort of revolve around my perception of Jared (a confession!).
Or maybe it just doesn't properly fit because it's not what I'm used to. Because it seems that nothing of what anyone could call substance seems to really fit. But then that's what my life up until very recently has been, so I don't know.
So perhaps I should still go with it, after all everything is important and creates who we are, and it's just a matter of adjustment.
On another matter, I don't see how anything can be not selfish. I guess that makes me a very selfish person. But whatever one does has to be for the self in some way, surely? But maybe I just turn around and manipulate that, almost justifying my selfishness.
And it makes me think that perhaps I can never really love, in the way that poeple say love should be. Because I'm just too selfish.
But surely anyone must like someone for the feeling they give them?
I hope I'm wrong though. It's a scarey thought that perhaps I could never really love...
I have to go now.
See you all some time.
And love (whatever that is) to you all.