Here with my eyes closed missing the circus that goes by

You know, I realised that my telling poeple certain things because of a belief in honesty (for example, Kobes) perhaps is actually just a facade for my true intent: reaching out to poeple, looking for a friend. That way I can pretend to expect rejection but not care so much as if I were just rejected in a normal friend way; and I don't need to be completely honest with them; I'm impatient, wanting immediate results; and I may hopefully draw them in with how I'm so special and different; and I have a justification; and I can mask my fear in something else.
An over analysis, I'm sure.
I guess there are always other motives like that behind things. But I seem to think it's important at the moment to strip away until I find my true self. But hidden in amongst all the trying to get rid of lies is probably just more lies.
Blah blah blah. I think too much. So basically it's all lies, although that word perhaps has connotations which are too harsh.
"I was at once simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life."
I have a big feeling of inadequecy, whilst simultaneously hving this 'superiority complex'. Crazy crazy people. I swear, it's so very like I have multiple personalities in a way; how can I think so many contradictory things?
This afternoon I saw Kobes and was shaken by it more then I have been in a while.
Then I went into an analysing myself thing, which developed into such a sadness at the renewed apprehension of the sense of longing and loss that pervades all existence. All. It lurks in memory, in the silence, in the spaces in between. We are dictated by this longing, very often manifesting itself in nostalgia. Nostalgia, when all we want is fulfillment in the present. Life is so much just the whispy hours of a dream, there, and then at once gone, faded into the misty, soft focus realms of what once was and will never be again. A vague feeling, the echo of a thought, a look, a word, a glimpse of a face, or the way a body moves. Memory. Animating the idle hours in pain, grief, warmth, love, loss.
Things seem so endless, so pointless.
But even while I was walking to work, feeling such loss, my awareness of the beauty of nature about me (and the coldness of the buldings) was heightened, and I was able to smile slightly. And it gradually faded from being all doom and gloom to having some hope, at least in a real beauty.
So there.
Friends are my favourite distraction at the moment. They do cause me grief sometimes. Or rather, I cause myself grief over them. Friends are a pretty recent discovery of mine. I always wanted them, of course, but never really had them. I have them more now than ever before in my loner life. Still not quite there, but that's me. Afraid little me.
I'm losing track of what I'm typing now.
Perhaps people are learning more about me than they ever thought here. Not that many poeple read it.
I don't know. Losing myself.
Goodnight to you all :) Love to you.