I was looking back over Jared's process diary because I felt like it and found an entry I don't think I had read before in whihc I was described as "the elegant and ever tasteful Kristina". Ha! Certainly an odd thing to say, especially at that point when we had hardly talked at all. So either it is all lies, or an unexpected impression. And if genuine, I wonder how it has evolved until now.
I'm in a mood of sorts. Looking for fantasy and niceness and ... something.
I'm wanting someone to sign in that is good to type to. I want Bob to because I want to ask her something.
Blah di blah blah blah.
Talking to someone who i thought would be Kobes but perhaps isn't. Someone claiming to be a stalker. Whoever they are, they're probably off their damn face. But they knew my name. Who could it be? but I wanted to joke around anyway because I want a distraction and I'm lonely and bored. I think I would like to be out partying it up and having lots of fun with me friends. Oh well. This will have to do.
Something something. This is really worthwhile typing.
I'm bored. Ha! What a silly girl I am. Sigh.
So, something entertaining, even funny, ay. .... Nope, nothing. Boring boring. All I ever have to write is serious stuff, either depressed-like or happy-like, but mostly the former, I guess.
I want to go outside, but I fear I can't. That so should not be a reason.
Alana is watchign the Lizzie Maguire Movie. Woot for her.
"I am not what I am" Shakespeare is so eternal. Don't we all love him.
I don't like him all that much. There are far better things out there for me to read.
I finished going through and 'deconstructing' Catcher in the Rye. I didn't get it at all the first time, but this time I did, with a little help from research. The first time I read it I could identify with good old Holden Caulfield in some ways, I agreed with some things he thought, sympasthised with others, and completely missed the point. Then I decided that i had been very much ostracising myself from society by objecting to everything, adopted as a sort of anthem a song by Tori Amos that goes "when I come to terms, to terms with this, when I come to terms with this. When I come to terms, to terms with this, my world will change for me", and decided to change my view and accept and enjoy society. So the second time I read it I noticed similar thinking between Holden and previous me and actually got the point. According to J. D. Salinger I used to be incredibly immature. Remember, just because one person believes something doesn't make it true. That's something I've been having to remind myself lately. I always sort of thought that if something was written and all it must be true. I knew it wasn't, but you know. Jared has helped me with that, because I wanted to purge myself of the incredibly lame amount of affect he had on me, thinking that what he thought was what I should think and all. It took being practically alone in a foreign country to find myself in that way (and many others which I am losing now. It was great, but gone). Yeah.
I did develop quite a sense of self over there towrads the end. In a way. I don't know.
Jared as been the biggest case of letting other poeple under my skin too much to date, but other people have been nearish. Like my friends in general. And Bob. And Lenny. These are things that I oddly hardly seem to remember now.
Bob and Jared used to make me hate myself. Used to meaning before the holidays. Make me hate myself meaning make me make myself see myself through my interpretation of their eyes. but that has been lessened by not being so affected in that way and by listening to what I come out with and thinking more about it. Because I used to say shit I didn't mean as if it were my opinion when it wasn't and it would sound terrible and I would hate myself and this is very much rambling on and a nearing nonsensical way. Oh well.
In conclusion, I'm disclosing some things in a cop-out kind of way. I hope no one hates me. I almost hate myself. Ha! Nah, not really, it's just lame. I want friends! Hahahahahahaha. Sad weird little me. Ach, I should stop now. Sorry I don't say these things actually to poeple. I don't know. Apologising just came to mind. I'm so lost. Woveda.
Peace out. Love you all, even though I'm weird. Night night :) Love!