I come back to my life here and instantly am confused
Again I have no clue what to do
Or at lest my brain does not
Because it does not like to listen
And that’s alright
I shall go on
Because that’s what I do.

I come back from the bliss
The great times playing in and by the sea
And have to face all those things I don’t want to face
Prefer to run from
Yet simultaneously want
And so I am here, don’t know what to do
But write this
What is it?
Is it real?
Does it have worth?
Perhaps, perhaps
But how real?
And how much worth?

Those days of certainty
How sweet they be
When I can play and feel free
Even when I know I’m not
Not yet.

Freedom
Is inside
People talk about freeing everyone from this and that when really it is inside
Or so my experience says.
Of course, I might be wrong
So might you
We none of us may know a thing
And that’s alright
Because we be, and that is all we can do
For now.
Or not.

I am back from holidays. Port Macquarie is a beautiful place. Red soil colours the sand at the edge of the beach, the sand which there is finer than here, the water saltier, and something about the air to complete that sentence, although the air is pretty much the same. Except of course for that subtle hint of the sea. There - "the water saltier, the air speaks of the sea".
One day of was running along and hit my hand on something that wasn't there. It hurt. I investigated the area and there was nothing. Unless my mind is warped and it happened in a different place than I thought, perhaps I was moving faster than it seemed. Or perhaps I am just out of it.
The rocks there look so volcanic. They remind me of dinosaurs.
I wandered paths, heard twittering birds, saw much that was beautiful.
We had an encounter with leeches. And this time I did not care. The last encounter was a few years ago and I freaked out a little, but this time I just flicked them off, even the one that was eating me, and did not mind. In fact, they are incredibly cute.
I was in a lingering mood from New Years, a sad mood, until Friday. From that day until getting home on Monday, things were better than ever. I learnt to see more, and to play as never before. I love the beach, and the whole coastline. There's just something about it. Not only is it super fun in the surf and beautiful, but perhaps there is just the right amount of distraction, of noise, to allow my thoughts to move more freely. I discovered that at dad's prior to New Years. I think better there.
And I knew it would be Friday that things would get better. I shall divulge my possibly worrying secret, although it's not that much of a secret anymore becuse I told someone, but still. You see, I sort of occaisionally hear things, just mumblings in my head, words spoken that I can't understand because they sound all muffled, but I know they're words, and I know if they're said my a female or male voice. In my Wicca days it was female. They used to suprise me occaisionally and I'd get a bit scared. But the other week, on the night I stayed at Jared's actually, I understood something for the first time, the word "friday" said in a male voice. I think there might have been something else I understood but I don't remember. Oh yes, something along the lines of "come to me" (which, coincidentally, was while Jared was on the phone in another room). It could be somewhat worrying, or it could be pretty spiffy. I don't know. I'm not really worried about it. I'll just sit and see what happens. Although I know if I read this on someone's blog I would be quite worried. Plus my family has a history of mental illness. Ah well.
On the very first day we arrived we saw a dolphin making its way up the river from the ocean. I saw two doing the same on the last day. First and last. And on Friday eve at the turning of my mood I saw black cokatoos, which for me tend to indicate great times to soon come, or perhaps just a shift in mood. They flew on that day from the other side of the river to the church. On the last day I saw them fly from there back to the other side of the river. Isn;t life brilliant. It's all too coincidental to be mere coincidence, or so I like to believe.
We visited a rainforest and were blessed wth the sight of a snail. Not just any snail, but one which only lives in the river in that rainforest, nowhere else. The guide, Chantelle, lifted a leaf to show us a plant and there it was. She was rather exited because she'd never actually seen one before.
We watched so many movies! Two on almost every day, hehehe. I like movies. So distracting, such complete escapism!
And I realised that my life can be special and worthwhile too, that it even has movie moments in it. I've started to keep a journal of those wonderful moments, like playing at the beach with Alana and Jeff, rolling along in the waves, playing "beached whales", long jumping over them and being propelled forwards onto my knees so they now hurt, throwing sand, running away from Jeff's attempt to catch me, which I was successful at every time etc etc. Then climbing up to the lighthouse, braving the edges, feeling the wind, retrieving a bin and all its rubbish that had fallen down a slope. The mud there is so cool, so slimey and oozy.
And I discovered so many other things, both physical and inner (and imaginative hehehe Journeys. I had to mention it!) And I may be an emerging artiste (meaning I am actually beginning to make things that can be somewhat acceptable to me)! We shall see.
In conclusion, we had some great times, and although it is not always like that, andI go back often to waiting for something to happen, I still have them to remind me.
So take care everyone, and I wish upon you all the joy I have had, and much more.