So I want to write something. For whatever reason, I want to write. Courage to write whatever comes out. I can review it afterwards and see what it's like. But for now, all I need do is write.
I went down to the beach today and I could not feel. Other than frustration at being where I am. It was beautiful and wonderful, but although I had moments, I did not feel it. Soemthing is amiss...What? After being exposed to so many suggestions, how do I know which one to pick?
Perhaps the answer is that I don't. You never know which path to pick, whihc choice is the right one. But you choose anyway, in faith and out of neccessity, for you must move forward, you have no choice, even if forward is backwards, you must move on and on until you get to wherever it is you're going, if you are indeed going anywhere at all.
Faith. It's a lovely thing. "Faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love." Corinthians 13, a great passage indeed. I like faith at the moment. Maybe it's foolishness, perhaps, but I am following a path out of faith and seeing where it leads me. You might like to try it sometime. It may well be worthwhile. Just a possibilty. Then again, it's just one path of many, so whatever tickles your bottom, as my mum would say, hahaha.
I can hear the ocean from here. I like the ocean. It's all pretty and expansive. It's blue and black and green and red and purple and it sparkles and it is so big! And it's so full of all this life, of myriad organisms unimaginable and unintelligable and underwear and other un words. I like it!
I've just gone on a crazy giddy as a schoolgirl crazy thing, so my mind is all all over the place, particularly coming back to a particular feeling...Woveda, for the mo I shall just go wit da flo, hahaha. I am such a gansta. Yo shorty, bitch nigger fuck ho...Oh the swimming carnival!
Anywho! After that random outburst of 'coolness'...
So what to say now? Anything worthwhile at all going to come out here? We shall see.
A thought: the way that requires intellectual justification is not the way of the heart. Of course, it's hard to tell when when your mind comes into it, hard to express or think it with the mind, but it's something I stumbled across one day when I was distractedly looking.
I'm tired, and it is getting late. It is time for me to go. But I am drawn back to this infite well of cyber humanity time and time again. I'm addicted. I forget myself as I surf the expanse of the internet ocean, or as I sit here want to search for something, but what, I do not know. Like in the Matrix. It's sort of a handy metphor for life, really. Except the internet is something that people acknowledge more, their love of it, their yerning to explore it It has this power. It's pretty sad, I know, but there is something about it...Or something about the way I react to it. For it is all in my reaction. Therefore, for the answers to anything without I can only look within, surely? It seems logical to me. But what seems to prove a point to me may seem like irrelevant fluff to another. So I'll just carry on along my path because that's what I must do, and what I choose to do, because I know I lvoe the path, even though i forget sometimes and often take it all way, especially myself, way too seriously. You enjoy it. You slip over on a banana peel in the middle of a typical American school hallway, and you laugh along with all the cruel people around you because they're not really cruel they're just doing the same as you are - trying to get by in the world the best way they can - and you know you looked ridiculus anyway.
You stumble into brambles and you laugh at the absurdity of life, because it is not absurd at all, but perfect without flaw or falter or little crevice or molehill. And you laugh at yourself because you have been so unbelievably pretentious and arrogant and silly and showed it to the world but it is at the same time believeable becaus eit goes on around you all the time. So you laugh because it is funny.
But I am not actually there. I am teaching what i do not know. For I have not yet been able to express why you would laugh at such things without it being cruel and bitchy. there is a light-heartedness, some sort of divine humour that does not involve laughing at someones behaviour, but something else. Like you're laughing with them, they just don't know it.
I'm not usre that I'm not lying here. I don't know the laughter. So I shall back up a little, or rather go forward into truth further. I hope.
Why don't we do it in the road. Crazy old Beatles.
If I don't sleep now I will regret it in the morning. But the thought of facing that abyss of unpleasant restless incessant yabbering of the mind...Therefore I am enheartened to go and face this particular abyss and emerge blessed, because i have faith that is what will happen, and it is well worth the effort, which needn't even be unpleasant, but can be enjoyed.
So I shall leave you with a little something becasue it just sprang to mind, from www.seesubtle.blogsot.com :
"Well congratulations, you actually made it. I’ll admit that for a while I had my doubts. But you’ve grown a lot the past few years and you seem to have a pretty good mind in that head of yours, so here’s my advice for the next four years:
1. There’s a lot to learn in college. Some of it happens in the classroom, most of it doesn’t. That doesn’t mean one is more important than the other.
2. 2. Everyone you meet will have different motivations for what they’re doing. Some people do things for money, some people do things for grades, some people do things without ever knowing why, but you should do it for the sake of Quality. If you don’t know what that means yet, you’ve got four years to figure it out.
3. Don’t go to college to prepare yourself for a career, because that just distracts from your education.
4. Always ask why. I know people who could identify every kind of button on every uniform of every unit that fought in the Civil war, but if you ask them why the South seceded they wouldn’t have a clue. Which do you think is more important?
5. Some of your best work will be done after four-thirty in the morning.
6. Finally, don’t worry too much about what you’re doing, where you’re going or how you’re going to get there, even if everyone else seems to. Just enjoy where you are, strive for Quality, and everything else will fall into place, as it should. If nothing else, have faith in that."

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. And take care :)