Here I am in the now, and I am trying to write the best words I can, dredge them up from inside somewhere and lay them down outside as an arrangement of whatevers within the huge arena of cyberspace. Like a giant void of everything and nothing out there, a huge expanse of intruguing, vacuuminous, debrious, all-important, meaningless data. Signposts thoughout the universe of echoeing shells, luminescent hands, effervescent thoughts.
This is all the way my mind perceives the world. It is not ultimate truth.
There is music playing.
I realise I am clenching my forehead and mouth. If I let it go it dissolves into tears? And beyond that? Beyond. Where is that? What is there?
Enya comes on and tell me A new world waits...There is nothing to desire...May be paradise to me...Ahhhhhhh laaaaaa ahhhhh la....Oooooooo oosha...
Dredging up words from my soul. Heaving them out like dry retching or dribbling vomit and onto the table for examination, to undergo close scrutiny, to the service of the world. Where did that last part come form? I didn't think of it.
In the background, Cat Stevens comes on and says If you want to sing out, sing out. And if you want to be free, be free. Coz theres a million things to be, you know that there are.
Why should I write this? Why go dredging around?
And now The Beatles come on. All I want is you. Everything has got to be just like you want it to...You can radiate everything you are.
What am I? That old question.
Pieces seem to fall into place as I think. Increasing synchronicities. And yet still... Down in the depths of my soul...What is there?
There is someone I want to go see. It's been too long. I have distanced myself, and now I come back. It hasn't been very long, but it feels like a long time. I might have pushed him away a bit. Or maybe just pushed him away in my mind. He deserves my attention, if he still wants it. Come to think of it, it may be a similar situation with his female equivalent...hahaha, that was the first thing I thought of. You may know who is being referred to now, or you may not. A certain fellow Cheltenham-dweller...
And now Radiohead comes on...
It may be a similar situation with everyone I know.
There is someone else I am thinking of. He is my boyfriend. I did not want to write that sentence, but it came. I'm not sure I like the way it sounds. But he is. I am awfully fond of him. I saw him today. It's been less than a week, but I like him a lot.
There are others out there, beyond my limited mind's world, who deserve my attention.
I am terrible at multitasking.
Trust in God with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Saw that on a church noticeboard. Proverbs 3:5. At this point in time to me that means don't get too caught up with what you think you know (just as I write this, The Beatles comes on, The Long and Winding Road, which I just recently equated with god...), in other words, be open, learn from experience.
So I come back here with this feeling of lacking.
Tori Amos comes on with words and pretty piano of soothing, flowing tenderness. There will be time to chase the sun, with ribbons undone...It is your time, so just run, with ribbons undone.
Follow her laughter
And the theme from Amelie.
It's time to stop floating on the surface and go a little deeper here.
These words are not mine. I did not create them. They are words. Indicators of the world within. But indicators only. They are not the world within. They fall short of it, always.
It's funny, a few days ago Radiohead came on most, and now it has changed to Tori Amos. I have associated her with compassion and worldliness, or being in the world.
I am going to go now. I want to wrap up some of my very flimsy english extension two things for my meeting of tomorrow, where I will have to go in and tell the teachers that I have not done anything visible over the holidays, the last two months or so, although I don't think it's been a complete waste. And then smile pretty, hehe.
So take care, all. My thoughts are somewhere with you, or with you somewhere, or somehow.
Goodnight.