Howdyho.
Today I repaired the necklace/bracelet that Bob gave me. It broke in France, and I decided not to repair it; I hadn't been wearing it anyway. But I fixed it tonight and now I am wearing it.
I have a dilemma, the likes of which I and everyone else goes through all the time. And that is the battle between doing work you feel you should do and living for today ina way that will make you happy now, and probably later, at least have less regrets, but won't help financial security in the future, which is so important to everyone, or satify those feeling of "I should do it...because". You think, well I could just work now and do the other stuff some other time, because there's no time limit on that. But what if there is? And isn't happiness and fulfillment what we should be concentrating. Of course, no conclusion will be reached, just a never-ending debate, and seeking to find a balance and place limitations on the heart.
You know, my ideal relationship at the moment is one that's mostly a friendship, but has elements of a relationship- the physical side, and the closeness and all. Which is me just dreaming of running away from all difficulties, really, placing my hope in something which does not exist, as such. I don't want to be owned. And I don't want to own. But it seems inevitable, perhaps natural, that those feelings will come. And I want complete fulfillment without any catches.
It all seems so wrong now that I'm typing it.
I'm happy, but I want more. That's the way of life. Striving for an ever-elusive perfection. Does it exist? I don't know. Perhaps reincarnation is the path, and we'll never be fulfilled in this life, probably, only in many many more to come. Which is why one needn't worry that much about some thing. Who knows. I'm tired.
I love the churches in France, because they're so beautiful, and always open.
I discovered love at the first I went to, which was only briefly. Then we went to Sacre Coeur and it was good. No word seems to fit right now. As soon as we walked in it was amazing. To me, Christianity is love. My Christianity, the one without all the gayness. All these churches and cathedrals and all the stuff in them, all the art, everything, is grown from love. That is why my favourite of the idols were the statues that looked upon us in love - some of those of Mary, Jesus, and some f the saints. Love. I lit a candle there, origianlly for Krister, but it branched out into being for everyone, for love. I wanted to kneel down as you do, but then I felt I shouldn't with my family around because I had an image to keep up and didn't want to explain. Silly. I climbed to the top (274 stairs) for love, and went down into the crypt for love. When we went to Notre Dame I felt the same divine love. I really like the crucifix they had there- centre front, glowing gold. It was not death, or suffering, but love. And in the cliche way, I cried. I blessed myself with holy water. A service started while we were there, and the music was beautiful. And later when we left the outside was so beautiful. I love it when the rays of sunshine can be seen becaus eof the clouds being in front of the sun. I was so happy, so pure.
It all sounds so cliched, but it was wonderful.
France was great.
Home is great to, but different.
It was great.
I want to write something wonderful to leave you with, but I got nothing.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.