Hello!
I've been living in a dream land lately. And by that I don't mean that nothing's been real or anything. Quite the contrary, actually. I mean that my whole existence has been increasingly animated by dreams. Primarily, at the moment, dreams of the wonders of the holidays. I have great hopes for them, being my last no work extended period of time till after school.
I have been thinking that I guess al existence is animated by dreams for what can be, for what's to come. I'm not not sure if that's bad or not. I guess it's like that for everyone?
So great plans for the holidays! Really looking forward to them. Bit stupid really. Biding my time for the next few weeks until 'real' life starts. Then if I were to die 'real' life would never come. Torn, i am. If I'm going to die or something I want to be having lots of fun. But if I've got a while then I can afford to spend time doing work. That's life I guess. Just sets a bad precedent for the rest of life. Just end up like everyone else, waiting for retirement, then getting there and finding it's not so great after all because I'm too old and too accustomed to my life as it was.
Anywho. Wonderful dreams! And my mind increasingly giving way to lovely niceness.
So have a great time everyone! Love and hugs (which I seem not to actually give much of in real life, I know. Scared, I guess)! Muah muah.

I don't want to leave school. It means I'll have to go out into the world and take care of myself. I'll have to find a career, which is terrible, because there's nothing I want to do. My Mum is pushing for me to find something at the moment, but the only things I would do at uni don't actually lead to anything. So I'm terribly scared that I'm going to go into a career I don't like and end up hating it and and myself and wasting my life. And I realised that I'm sort of afraid of being mediocre. Silly thing to be afraid of, I know, but I am.
I just don't want to wind up regretting everything. I don't.
Mum thinks I should do journalism at the moment. I thought for a bit that that might be acceptable, but I just went and looked into it and I just found it abhorrent.
Perhaps I should just come to terms with all this shit and shed some of the things that stop me and just 'grow up'. But on the other hand I find that attitude so detestable. I don't know.
So in conclusion I just want to stay in school forever, stop time or something, so I don't have to choose. I'm afraid of choosing wrong.
I guess I'll just have to become a fabulous writer.
Yeah, I haven't posted anything in quite a while. Nothing to post really. Nothing that feels right to write on here.
Dreams are all we have.

"I'm looking for a song to sing, I'm looking for a friend to borrow, I'm looking fro my radio so I might find a heart to follow..."

I've had nothing to post recently, so there's no point in writing this. Meah.
The last little while has been realy great. Today no so great; feeling very weird and pointless. But before was magical!
Marikon came to visit today. She makes me sad. For some reason I seem to care about her a lot. I mean, more than I do about others. Carla, too. I don't know why. There was a time I even thought that I loved Carla, as in loved loved. Just the way things are, I guess. It's funny, they're two people that seem so inaccessable to me, even if I try.
This is fool talk. I don't actually have anything to say, except the world can be so great!
So bye then :)

Let's say I mysteriously went missing once upon a time. No one would care after, say, a month (except, of course, Krister). I know that's a stupid, insecure, grabbing for attention, lameass thing to say, but nevertheless, it's true.
Now, o' course, this fact is the fault of nobody but myself, I am quite aware. It still sicks, though.
Wouldn't it sometimes be nice to be an ignorant fool and blame everyone else! How much easier. But far worse in the long term. Foolish thoughts.
(And just so it is clarified, I have absolutely no intention of mysteriously disappearing at this present time.)
But I'm not really depressed about it, although it may seem. It's more the implications of that that can be a bit upsetting. ie. not having friends to such a degree.
At least there is someone for me, though. For many others there is no one.
And the world is a beautiful and magical place, so I hope everyone is having fun!

To love, to feel, to experience, to live, but not to possess. Is there any truth in that, any way thta it can be so? Is it even important? Is making art and the such not just an attempt to possess? Is wanting to be with someone forever a desire to possess, in a way? Is it wrong to do these things?

Can I love or like someone without having to possess them? Can I write or make art without it being an act of possession of a moment, a feeling?

Again, is any of this even important?

I don't know.

To relinquish possession and just live, appreciate what you feel without having to physically immortalise it.
Maybe I'm a fool. Human nature seems to be to possess, after all.
But to let go and just live.
?

Kobes is lame. Still a bit intrigued in a way, but he's right up there with the lamos, as much as I have tried to think he's different. Although, just because people are that sort doesn't make them bad. That's my old thought patterns talking, the ones that don't like his sort. But you know, I guess I'm sort of over him in a way. And not. Who cares. In conclusion he is part of those people that I have in the past decided not to like, and that's the way it is. I just keep going around in circles with my thoughts here- he's lame; but the lame people arn't so lame as I have said, they still have just as much value; therefore he's not that bad; and he seems to be different in some ways, a good person, and has qualities that I like; but he's still part of those sorts in the way he acts generally...
I doesn't really matter much to me anymore. He will always just be fictional Kobes of my mind.
You know, it's a terrible paradox with Annelise: it seems that the only thing that really helps her, that gives any hope at the moment, is lithium, yet it is particularly sensitive, and involes her not throwing up, but that is something that is very hard to do. It's quite ironic, the way life works out.
With Mariko having been in Concorde and now moved to Northside she must have tried tokill herself, or at least really hurt herself. And getting ECT now. She's far worse than I thought, although I guess I suspected.
But you know, it's silly with all this medical diagnosis stuff. As soon as something is labelled as a disease it changes the way one perceives it, making it more of something that is just chemicals not at all to do with the parson and their surroundings, and can only be helped by drugs and stuff. But when it's not diagnosed one perceives it as more able to be helped, and less the fault of the environment and all that, and not so apathetic thinking that you can do nothing. Which is silly, because really, if looked at in the annoying scientific way, it's all chemical, diagnosed or not, and no one can really be blamed or anything because it's just the way things are. I don't like science- it makes everything seem so hopeless and lifeless and not magical. I like a magical world! Damn science!
I had a dream just before I woke up this morning which was the police aftermath of Dad having dismembered Irene (his girlfriend). Not just dismembered, but completely cut up into lots of pieces. It began with me sort of fading into a conversation- an officer had fainted because it was so gross. And Dad had left some devious trap that I don't remember now. And also there was her head made out of glass that turned up in the back pocket of one of the police, face set in a scream. And it got smashed, I think.
So as you can tell I think very highly of that man.
Hanson is great!
Have a great time! Many perfect hugs to you, of the sort that only turn out properly in the mind. G'night.

I keep feeling like something exiting is about to happen, but it never does... Maybe I'm just crazy.
And I keep feeling that there's some reason for me to go and the net, and I do and there's not.
I had a breakthrough of sorts last night. I've recently been trying to change the way that my mind seems to erase feelings when it focuses on them, and then last night I was listening to good ol' Hanson and all of a sudden I could focus of feelings and feel them at the same time! Woah! So that's all cool.
And that's all I've got to say. I'm lookign froward to doing something, to that exiting thing that's coming up... maybe I'm just a bit hyper. Anywho.
Hope you're all having a fun day!

Howdyho.
Today I repaired the necklace/bracelet that Bob gave me. It broke in France, and I decided not to repair it; I hadn't been wearing it anyway. But I fixed it tonight and now I am wearing it.
I have a dilemma, the likes of which I and everyone else goes through all the time. And that is the battle between doing work you feel you should do and living for today ina way that will make you happy now, and probably later, at least have less regrets, but won't help financial security in the future, which is so important to everyone, or satify those feeling of "I should do it...because". You think, well I could just work now and do the other stuff some other time, because there's no time limit on that. But what if there is? And isn't happiness and fulfillment what we should be concentrating. Of course, no conclusion will be reached, just a never-ending debate, and seeking to find a balance and place limitations on the heart.
You know, my ideal relationship at the moment is one that's mostly a friendship, but has elements of a relationship- the physical side, and the closeness and all. Which is me just dreaming of running away from all difficulties, really, placing my hope in something which does not exist, as such. I don't want to be owned. And I don't want to own. But it seems inevitable, perhaps natural, that those feelings will come. And I want complete fulfillment without any catches.
It all seems so wrong now that I'm typing it.
I'm happy, but I want more. That's the way of life. Striving for an ever-elusive perfection. Does it exist? I don't know. Perhaps reincarnation is the path, and we'll never be fulfilled in this life, probably, only in many many more to come. Which is why one needn't worry that much about some thing. Who knows. I'm tired.
I love the churches in France, because they're so beautiful, and always open.
I discovered love at the first I went to, which was only briefly. Then we went to Sacre Coeur and it was good. No word seems to fit right now. As soon as we walked in it was amazing. To me, Christianity is love. My Christianity, the one without all the gayness. All these churches and cathedrals and all the stuff in them, all the art, everything, is grown from love. That is why my favourite of the idols were the statues that looked upon us in love - some of those of Mary, Jesus, and some f the saints. Love. I lit a candle there, origianlly for Krister, but it branched out into being for everyone, for love. I wanted to kneel down as you do, but then I felt I shouldn't with my family around because I had an image to keep up and didn't want to explain. Silly. I climbed to the top (274 stairs) for love, and went down into the crypt for love. When we went to Notre Dame I felt the same divine love. I really like the crucifix they had there- centre front, glowing gold. It was not death, or suffering, but love. And in the cliche way, I cried. I blessed myself with holy water. A service started while we were there, and the music was beautiful. And later when we left the outside was so beautiful. I love it when the rays of sunshine can be seen becaus eof the clouds being in front of the sun. I was so happy, so pure.
It all sounds so cliched, but it was wonderful.
France was great.
Home is great to, but different.
It was great.
I want to write something wonderful to leave you with, but I got nothing.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.