My father is soon to be served with an afidavit from my mother regarding paying for some of Annelise's medical expenses. He's a very silly man, because he refused her first offer, and now it's going to go to court and the judge will obviously make him pay more than she at first asked because he's WRONG. I'm dreading seeing him after he gets it...
Mum's lawyer is doign this whole thing for free. It's amamzing, so nice. And the other day when she read the draft of the thing the lawyer started crying and Mum cried too, and the lady said that if they get a female judge she's sure to cry too. And she lined up a barister who's willing to do it for free too. People can be quite lovely.
My father has decided that Mum and Jeff are not allowed to attend Alana's first rowing regatta while he's there, and he's holding it over our head that he's paying and won't anymore if they come. But if he stops they'll just pay anyway. He's such a fool. At dinner the other night it came up that they were just going to go and watch the race, so only be there while he is for about fifteen minutes, but of course he would not allow that. Anyway, it escalated into a big fight, with Alana crying because she's very sensitive about things with mum and dad. And of course all the things i was saying to him were completely illogical, irrational, and he'd like to tape what i was saying and play it back to me so i'd realise how stupid i was, and that he's completely rational and reasonable. pfft. I'm sure if that were to be taped and played back to anyone in the god damn world they would say quite the opposite. considering all i was saying was that he was hurting everyone, including himself (Alana was right in front of him crying) and that he can't just expect everyone just to do whatever he wants, especially when he's so selfish and stupid.
In the car on the way back he brought it up again. Alana ended up getting really riled up and eventually down the road from home he stopped the car and yelled incredibly loudly about how we were so selfish and everyone's terrible to him and that he was standing up for himself for once and that nobody's been through what he has because he's been treated so unjustly and badly by everyone around him. He is so unbelievably blind and self-deluded! Anyway, this time ALana actually yelled back, just as loud. None of us has done such a thing before.
Eventually he drove on, having not got his way, and close to home stopped again and started saying shit. I went to open my door and get out, and this time did not even falter when he said don't you dare open that door. I put my leg out, and then he buckled and said he's drive us home. He's just a big fucking bully.
Alana ran inside crying. When we were getting out, because of the wonderful maytre he is, he has the nerve to say "love you". I don't him he can't hold us with fear anymore, and that i loved him too, despite all this shit. Because i've realised that i do. I don't know. I don't really blame him much for being as he is, I mainly just pity him deeply.
I was quite happy with how we handled it. I haven't had the guts to really do anything before. As we have discussed with mum and jeff many a time he is, emotionally, an immature teenager, and a bully who likes to play the victim. And as bullys typically do, if you cahllenge him enough times he will back down. Proven without a doubt through all our dealings with him. I used to be afraid that he might get violent or he might crack or somehting one day. Mum said she went through that same fear for five fucking years with him before she finally realised that her life is her own, she doesn't owe it to anyone, especially someone who treats her like shit, and that he will never actually do anything. It's getting the guts that's the hard part. Like with Annelise, she has recently, due to the therapy she is currently having, started simply telling him to leave when he gets too bad, and he's become a bit better since.
My mum once thought she could help him, cure him through love, but he just broke her and he did not improve at all. in fact, he only got worse with indulgence. I still think that maybe love can help him, so I do what I can, I'm nice to him these days, but he seems far beyond help, at least in this lifetime.
So after he gets served with the afidavit, i shall still see him on the tuesday night but Alana won't. I think I can handle it these days, and don't need to run anymore.
Wish me luck :)
In other news, my life is shaping up to be everything I've ever really wanted it to be. It's quite amazing. I wouldn't have thought it possible.
And I have realised how incredibly naive and emoti0nally immature i have been when i though i was just special (and I guess I have to admit now that sometime I will look back on the me of now and think that same thing again). Like with the whole relationship vs. friendship stuff. I've stopped trying to defining relationships, for one thing, because at the moment it does nothing justice because there's so much crap attatched to lables in my mind. They just are as they are. But where before I was saying that everything was relationship, now I am saying that it all just has the potential and hope for deep friendship. So that's where I am now. And as for Krister, we just work how we are, and I have realised my love for him, finally. I've realised my love for others too. things are just a bit more clear at the moment.
All those flowers are out at the moment that remind me of summer and my Wicca stage, and most of all of Christmas- star jasmine, jacarandas, gardenias. Christmas is coming, and I am so exited! It has regained it's magic for me after only one or two Christmas's of mourning its passing. I am very lucky. And the reason it has is because it is now for me all about others - spending time with family and friends and giving. That's why I wanted a job - so i could buy people things; and that's why I'm having my Christmas party. And the Christmas scenes are up in the David Jones window in the city, and this year it is....drum roll... the Night Before Christmas! After the last few years of more modern things, this year they put in something lovely and traditional. It's so appropriate for me, and so exiting! I must have a Christmas in the city day! Hoorah!
And I have realised that the most important thing for me in life is people, that imagining a future without friends, no matter what I achieve, it will be empty, as much of my life has been, until recently. There are other things I want to do, but without friends they are pointless. People are what really means something to me. For most of my life I've been an animal person, but I think that's because I felt I could not bestow my love and care on people, so i chose the next best thing. But I have people now.
How can ones life, at sixteen, be so perfect.
I love you all :)
Take care