Today Sabrina came up and hugged me, even though I've hardly talked to her before, because she thought I looked sad.
I am lucky to be surrounded with such amazing people :)
:)
Take care, all :)
Lots of smiles and love!
:)

"Some people do not have to search. They find their niches early in life, and rest there seemingly content and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them. Seldom do they understand me.
I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover it's ultimate secret. We like to walk along the beach, for we are drawn by the ocean--taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know, unless it is to share our laughter.
We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we want to love and be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; one that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.We are wanderers, dreamers and lovers... lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful... those who are to gentle to live among wolves."
--James Kavanaugh

A cutesy little poem of sorts :)

Will you be my friend?
There are so many reasons why you never should:
I'm sometimes sullen, often shy, acutely sensitive,
My fear erupts as anger, I find it hard to give,
I talk about myself when I'm afraid
And often spend a day without anything to say.
But I will make you laugh
And love you quite a bit
And hold you when you're sad.
I cry a little almost every day
Because I'm more caring than the strangers ever know,
And, if at times, I show my tender side
(The soft and warmer part I hide)
I wonder,
Will you be my friend?
A friend
Who far beyond the feebleness of any vow or tie
Will touch the secret place where I am really I,
To know the pain of lips that plead and eyes that weep,
Who will not run away when you find me in the street
Alone and lying mangled by my quota of defeats
But will stop and stay - to tell me of another day
When I was beautiful.

Will you be my friend?
There are so many reasons why you never should:
Often I'm too serious, seldom predictably the same,
Sometimes cold and distant, probably I'll always change.
I bluster and brag, seek attention like a child.
I brood and pout, my anger can be wild,
But I will make you laugh
And love you quite a bit
And be near when you're afraid.
I shake a little almost every day
Because I'm more frightened than the strangers ever know
And if at times I show my trembling side
(The anxious, fearful part I hide)
I wonder,Will you be my friend?
A friend
who, When I fear your closeness, feels me push away
And stubbornly will stay to share what's left on such a day,
Who, when no one knows my name or calls me on the phone,
When there's no concern for me - what I have or haven't done -
And those I've helped and counted on have, oh so deftly, run,
Who, when there's nothing left but me, stripped of charm and subtlety,
Will nonetheless remain.

Will you be my friend?

For no reason that

I knowExcept I want you so.

by James Kavanaugh

My father is soon to be served with an afidavit from my mother regarding paying for some of Annelise's medical expenses. He's a very silly man, because he refused her first offer, and now it's going to go to court and the judge will obviously make him pay more than she at first asked because he's WRONG. I'm dreading seeing him after he gets it...
Mum's lawyer is doign this whole thing for free. It's amamzing, so nice. And the other day when she read the draft of the thing the lawyer started crying and Mum cried too, and the lady said that if they get a female judge she's sure to cry too. And she lined up a barister who's willing to do it for free too. People can be quite lovely.
My father has decided that Mum and Jeff are not allowed to attend Alana's first rowing regatta while he's there, and he's holding it over our head that he's paying and won't anymore if they come. But if he stops they'll just pay anyway. He's such a fool. At dinner the other night it came up that they were just going to go and watch the race, so only be there while he is for about fifteen minutes, but of course he would not allow that. Anyway, it escalated into a big fight, with Alana crying because she's very sensitive about things with mum and dad. And of course all the things i was saying to him were completely illogical, irrational, and he'd like to tape what i was saying and play it back to me so i'd realise how stupid i was, and that he's completely rational and reasonable. pfft. I'm sure if that were to be taped and played back to anyone in the god damn world they would say quite the opposite. considering all i was saying was that he was hurting everyone, including himself (Alana was right in front of him crying) and that he can't just expect everyone just to do whatever he wants, especially when he's so selfish and stupid.
In the car on the way back he brought it up again. Alana ended up getting really riled up and eventually down the road from home he stopped the car and yelled incredibly loudly about how we were so selfish and everyone's terrible to him and that he was standing up for himself for once and that nobody's been through what he has because he's been treated so unjustly and badly by everyone around him. He is so unbelievably blind and self-deluded! Anyway, this time ALana actually yelled back, just as loud. None of us has done such a thing before.
Eventually he drove on, having not got his way, and close to home stopped again and started saying shit. I went to open my door and get out, and this time did not even falter when he said don't you dare open that door. I put my leg out, and then he buckled and said he's drive us home. He's just a big fucking bully.
Alana ran inside crying. When we were getting out, because of the wonderful maytre he is, he has the nerve to say "love you". I don't him he can't hold us with fear anymore, and that i loved him too, despite all this shit. Because i've realised that i do. I don't know. I don't really blame him much for being as he is, I mainly just pity him deeply.
I was quite happy with how we handled it. I haven't had the guts to really do anything before. As we have discussed with mum and jeff many a time he is, emotionally, an immature teenager, and a bully who likes to play the victim. And as bullys typically do, if you cahllenge him enough times he will back down. Proven without a doubt through all our dealings with him. I used to be afraid that he might get violent or he might crack or somehting one day. Mum said she went through that same fear for five fucking years with him before she finally realised that her life is her own, she doesn't owe it to anyone, especially someone who treats her like shit, and that he will never actually do anything. It's getting the guts that's the hard part. Like with Annelise, she has recently, due to the therapy she is currently having, started simply telling him to leave when he gets too bad, and he's become a bit better since.
My mum once thought she could help him, cure him through love, but he just broke her and he did not improve at all. in fact, he only got worse with indulgence. I still think that maybe love can help him, so I do what I can, I'm nice to him these days, but he seems far beyond help, at least in this lifetime.
So after he gets served with the afidavit, i shall still see him on the tuesday night but Alana won't. I think I can handle it these days, and don't need to run anymore.
Wish me luck :)
In other news, my life is shaping up to be everything I've ever really wanted it to be. It's quite amazing. I wouldn't have thought it possible.
And I have realised how incredibly naive and emoti0nally immature i have been when i though i was just special (and I guess I have to admit now that sometime I will look back on the me of now and think that same thing again). Like with the whole relationship vs. friendship stuff. I've stopped trying to defining relationships, for one thing, because at the moment it does nothing justice because there's so much crap attatched to lables in my mind. They just are as they are. But where before I was saying that everything was relationship, now I am saying that it all just has the potential and hope for deep friendship. So that's where I am now. And as for Krister, we just work how we are, and I have realised my love for him, finally. I've realised my love for others too. things are just a bit more clear at the moment.
All those flowers are out at the moment that remind me of summer and my Wicca stage, and most of all of Christmas- star jasmine, jacarandas, gardenias. Christmas is coming, and I am so exited! It has regained it's magic for me after only one or two Christmas's of mourning its passing. I am very lucky. And the reason it has is because it is now for me all about others - spending time with family and friends and giving. That's why I wanted a job - so i could buy people things; and that's why I'm having my Christmas party. And the Christmas scenes are up in the David Jones window in the city, and this year it is....drum roll... the Night Before Christmas! After the last few years of more modern things, this year they put in something lovely and traditional. It's so appropriate for me, and so exiting! I must have a Christmas in the city day! Hoorah!
And I have realised that the most important thing for me in life is people, that imagining a future without friends, no matter what I achieve, it will be empty, as much of my life has been, until recently. There are other things I want to do, but without friends they are pointless. People are what really means something to me. For most of my life I've been an animal person, but I think that's because I felt I could not bestow my love and care on people, so i chose the next best thing. But I have people now.
How can ones life, at sixteen, be so perfect.
I love you all :)
Take care

I have discovered a new love of comics. They are lovely. The only ones I really know are Calvin and Hobbes and Leunig, but still. So here is a lovely link to some lovely comics! Lovely!
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~kai/leunig.html

Ha ha ha! I feel so stupid at the moment for all those things I've posted and said and thought. It's not always a barrel of wonderfulness. At the moment it just all seems pretty pointless again. The only things I really want to do is be with good friends and listen to music. They distract and invoke feeling. I like it.
And you know, everything I create - writing, art, whatever - just seems like lies. I really don't want to do my installation because it's lies. And I'm worried about my major works. Lies. I wonder if personal truth is possible in art. Perhpas it is for others, I wouldn't know, but for me it seems pretty impossible. I shall try and see. I don't like creating lies and pretending that there's some meaning to them.
Nothing to put here but mopeyness at the moment. Almost going back to my old blogging self in some ways. Old self. Of course I'm no new self, there is no old and new self. Whatever.
Well anyway, ciao.
Sleep well, whenever you do. Wake well too.