I've been feeling not so great lately. I can try and trace reasons although I'm not sure how legitimate they would be since whenever my mood changes in some way I add a shiny new explanation and remedy and then barely remember the ones before or exactly what events led up to them or not events maybe but just series of feelings or even series of decisions that lead to me feeling bad. When I got home this morning I felt a little like vomitting from depressedness maybe although I can't be sure that's why - maybe it's because I haven't eaten in a while or I'm just making it up because I can never be sure what I'm making up at the time only sometimes I can tell later but then even later than that I might learn something new and change my mind again - but I felt like throwing up and then maybe crawling into bed for the day. Prior to this was a train trip in which my mood had swung many times between feeling good from the music or feeling like I could write something to feeling there was is not enough time to consume all the books etc. I want to especially because I'm so slow at it and so there's no point bothering with it and - I'll say it - dread for the coming days of work and nothing to look forward to until sunday night when I will see jared next but only as a mild break from the dread since that will only be for a little while and then not again until tuesday. I'm bad. I need constant attention or I will hate myself. Which is silly. And maybe I've been encouraging feeling of badness, actively choosing them over other options but then maybe that's because that's kind of how I feel at the moment and I need to have a dark period so I can feel like I did after this mornings' not vomitting and deciding that no I would not crawl into bed for the day because that would be a bullshit choice that would maybe gratify me on some level but I'll just end up feeling like shit and more importantly what can I be to other people if that's all I am because that's a good reason not to let it go too far if there is a good reason for that and so I decided this is bullshit and there must be something I can do and then I had to urge to go on the computor and then I read Amanda's blog and then I felt like blogging myself because maybe this would help my delineate a few things? Things happen, suck it up. I'm ok now.


[Edit made later after feeling better and consequent better ability to analyse the situation]

Self-diagnosis: postpartum (postnatal) depression; symptoms include

• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Low self-esteem
• Guilt
• Sleep disturbances
• Eating disturbances
• Inability to be comforted
• Exhaustion
• Emptiness
• Inability to enjoy things one previously enjoyed
• Social withdrawal
• Low or no energy
• Becoming easily frustrated
• Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby (or feeling like one cannot take care of the baby)
• Impaired communication in speech and writing
• Spells of anger towards others
• Increased anxiety or panic attacks

So now I just have to find my baby. I think the government stole it.