Evening.
I'm so tired at the moment, I don't know if I should be writing this. I don't want to spoil it. Shall see.
Just a little something to think about...
"The steps out of failure, unhappiness, frustration, lack, want, anger, and depression are deceptively simple. Life is a voyage comparable to being out at sea in which a shift of one degree on the ship's compass will determine by the end of the trip whether or not one is hundreds of miles off course. The strongest tool, which already exists within, is the spiritual will itself, which, when firmly set, will face and take on any obstacle. It is this spiritual will that determines the success of any venture. From subjective experience, as well as many years of clinical practice, spiritual education, and research, it is confirmed that the spiritual will is the primordial rudder that determines not only this lifetime but also the course of one's consciousness over great expanses of time, classically termed karma.
"By one simple decision, the impossible becomes possible because the lead sinkers that were attached to the cork have been released and now the cork effortlessly rises because of the density and power of the field. Thus, one can let go of the egoistic illusion that spiritual progress is difficult and that one has to do it all alone. On the contrary, illusions of lack disappear and powerful energies now help to sustain one's progress, which is now accompanied by the pleasure of increased self-esteem, and the world magically begins to appear to be a friendly and helpful place. The brain's neurochemistry changes in a positive direction, and like a butterfly in a cocoon, the etheric brain springs forth as a consequence of the onset of the flow of spiritual (i.e. kundalini) energy, and the experience of life and the self in the world begins to transform.
"It will be discovered that the ego consists of interlocking building blocks and that to move even one unsettles the whole pile, which then begins to fall of its own gravity. Even a seemingly small effort can have very major effects, and one discovers that just a simple smile can totally change one's life [It's so true: a smile can instantly affect the mood of yourself in a big way, so I have found, so I remember to smile often now, and it also affects the mood of others, makes them more happy too, makes their day that much more pleasant]. The many thousands of people who follow self-improvement and spiritual pathways confirm the reality of this discovery....
"Choices determine consequences, which is a mechanism that is really impersonal and operates automatically because energy fields are invited in as a consequence of choice. The individual, as a consequence of choices, is like an iron filing whose position in the field is the direct consequence of its own decisions. To accept this reality is simultaneously uplifting and freeing. At the same time, it is frightening and brings about some degree of consternation. Therefore, the only true freedom in the universe is the freedom of choice, which is the gift received by mankind. One then realizes that there is no hand on the tiller but one's own and that 'I myself am heaven and hell'. The acceptance of this overall truth brings the strength of resolve instead of futile wishing.
"What really frightens people about spiritual reality is that it confronts one with the reality that their destiny is solely within the power of their own hands. "(from truth v falsehood, david hawkins, p.253-54, cited in another blog)
I just think there's some interesting things there. And I'm very open to comments on it all :)
So I believe in existence as a path which some sort of spirit or soul or whatever undertakes as a journey to perfection, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it. Of course, there's high possibility that I might be wrong, that's just the way I see things. Thus, in my view, explains what some may call my 'fickle' behaviour, because I have been learning and growing a hell of a lot recently, or so it seems to me. Thus, things which seem right and obvious to me have taken many many lifetimes of experience to develop that way, which is why we are all so different, and you can read something one day that has no effect on you, then come day an hour, a day, a year later and it is profound.
This ties in with my recent strive towards humility, to overcome my silly superiority thing- for it is certainly not my fault the way I am naturally, my 'positive' traits cannot really be my fault because they are determined my chemical make up and the influences that have been upon me throughout my life (and former lives, perhaps), which are in turn determined my all that has been before them. And so I have nothing to do with it. I'm just happy to be here (although sometimes disillusioned be the hugeness of it all)
All my changes are very much for the better.
Speaking of which, my today and yesterday have been very very good days on their own, together making an awesome weekend. I think I must be one of the happiest people in the world. This ties in with what I said above, as it was primarily due to my attitudes that things went so well. The whole world changes when you do, when you really do. On Saturday I caught the bus from Bondi junction to Circular Quay, which I have not done before, and is thus and exiting adventure in itself. Once there I saw an installation made up of thongs in a spiral thingy with shrine-type things and each end, and each thong was painted with some particular experience, seemingly all by seperate individuals. I really liked it. I was in the mood to enjoy all the wonderful little fragments of experience and what they represented as existence in general. It was lovely. I walked around a bit, revelling in the loveliness of life- the beauty of the day, of the people there, and what they have created. Then I caught the Rivercat over to Parramatta, another new experience, which was really nice with the ocean and the people and the scenery and the wind on my face and the loveliness. At Parramatta I went for my induction, only to find out they want me to work much more than I wanted (there was a misunderstanding) and so no job for me, and waiting around for a few hours to be picked up. I was a bit upset. Oddly upset. I wanted to buy people things! I walked out and felt like crying, I don't know why. I first I was all like oh I can't cry til I'm in some place private so nobody sees me, but then I realised that didn't matter, and so I let myself cry over something I would previously judged as silly, stupid, not worth the crying. But then there are some emotions that just come out sometimes, they don't need a reason to exist, simply feeling them is enough.
Eventually I stopped crying, and I just sat for a bit, glad that I did not bring any work so that I didn't feel the obligation to do anything, just let myself sit and enjoy things. A woman came up and sat with me, and she forced food upon me- an apple and a packet of shapes- and we talked. Or she talked to me. About enjoying life, taking care of family and friends, what I could do as a career, about writing, about knowing your body, and about how lucky we are to live in such a great place. It was lovely. I've never had and experience about that before. Her name was Lily, she came and touched my life, left her mark, and now is gone, and I am thankful she was there.
Then I sat around, walked around in the light rain and thought and enjoyed being.
Then dad came and picked me up and Annelise really wanted me to go to the movies with them that night, so I decided I would. We were going to see some crap, but we ended up seeing Pride and Prejudice. It was wonderful! Far exceeded expectations. It was really well done, and it was beautiful, and it was lovely. I thouroughly enjoyed it!. Yes, it was a bit silly and overdone in some ways, and the characterisation was quite different to the original, but I loved it! It was really great!
Today I went out to Krister's and got rather worried about him due to some talking he did in his sleep. And we had to chase the bus (in a car, of course) because his mum was horser riding and lost track of time. The bus driver was talking to another girl and I. To both of them I horseride, little do they know that it's not true, but just a misunderstanding, but you know, it doesn't really matter if they think that. They talked about the place they both happened to have lived called Haye (I'm not sure of the spelling). He said that the Haye plains are so flat that they look like they go uphill both ways. An old man got on at Castle Hill who is turning 90 on December 4th, and has recently not been out and about due to "war injuries". I wanted to ask him about it but was too shy and worried that he may not want to talk about it. Anyway, I could hardly understand what he was saying.
Everything was lovely and beautiful.
I have this recent thing of turning more of my attention to others, helping them and the such, being nice to them. I've realised that it is a million times better than not doing it. Yes, it is selfishness to a degree, but such a 'higher' form of it than acting solely for oneself and one's closest loved ones. It part of little ways of changing the world, making it a better place, enabling happiness for others (Bob, I see more Quality in your statement of purpose now) for I have come to see that it is all well and good to make big plans for socila change, but that things must really come on an individual level, and you work out from there, not the other way around. Making myself better, I can make others better, and so on. I do sometimes question why I should bother, what's the point in it all. But for now I am just living on faith, hope, that there is.
Not long ago I was complaining about how life is so not like books and movies and the such, that they were evil and deceptive and cruel for giving such false hope, but now I find that life for me is like those things, just without the sense of conclusion. That's an amazing shift in awareness, I think. In saying it, I mean that I see and feel all life as worthwhile and magical and beautiful, just like it is often depicted in such texts, and it is wonderful and spiffy.
And another similar thing: I have come to see that everything is new all the time, physically and contextually. Take, for example, a tree, just a normal boring old tree that you walk by every day, always the same, gets dull and boring. But it isn't. Physically, it is different, on a molecular level it would be slightly different. It might have grown a couple of new leaves. New birds are in it, new insects. The bark has stripped away in part. The light is slightly different etc etc. And that leads to contextual differences, perhaps physical, such as different amounts of cloud cover, recent rain, wind, some sort of epiphyte growing on it etc. And then their are the contextual differences created by the viewer- one is never the same on any time one passes the tree, always there is some difference of some sort in one's mind. Thus, you never look on the same thing twice. Just a thought that I found nice.
I say to all: stop blaming everyone else! I'm thinking of certain people here mainly, people that don't read this that are extremes in the area of blaming others. My friends are not so bad. But still, I say that blaming others might come easily, seem like an easy option, but it does not help the self at all, and it breeds hostility in those around. One can only really blame oneself for anything. I have this thought that because of the whole context of everything, though, that no one can truely be blamed. But if someone must be it should be yourself, but not the degree of sillyness and hating self. It's a difficult issue. But take responsibility when it is due! For example, the extreme case of my father who the other day blamed me that he forgot to get on eof the boxes out of the car, as is I was supposed to somehow know exactly what he wanted. That's extreme, but still.
I had a dream a few nights ago that we were in the car, mum and I with Jeff driving, and due to his silly driving we ended up sort of tettering of the edge of a cliff thing for a number of seconds. Then we fell. But I was quite calm. The car was sort of just driving along down this really steep slope and I just went with it, like surfing, or horseriding, I just went with it calmly. I was a bit exited, but not terribly afraid or anything. Just surrendered. I've never had a dream like that before!
I just tried to publish this and it didn't work! Thank god I decided to save it first, just in case :)
I think that's about all I wanted to say. This has been a long entry.
Night night to all. Sweet dreams. I love you all :)