So many of my days are spent running around, turning upside down, not knowing where I am and furrowing my brow. I get caught up in study, I get caught up in arrogance and trying to show I’m right and so losing any claim I had to being right. I walk where I’m going without really knowing. I love without savouring. I drink tea, I gaze at the trees, I gaze at my tutor, I hold my boyfriend, but these just flow over my head and I think the only real things are those weighty emotions that drag me down that I’m so tuned into I can feel so well, but don’t really know all the true ones. It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Underlying all my days has been a slowly growing awareness that God is everywhere with me. That God is in me, right now. I’m not always sure it is God. It’s this warm feeling inside that floods without really flooding, but it’s lovely and it’s in my heart and going beyond and I praise God for it except I don’t because I don’t See yet. After a fabulous break from uni, I now know that I can’t ‘force’ it to come into my existence more, or ‘work on it’ in the way that phrase sometimes feels. Rather than identifying the feeling and trying to psychicly push it throughout my body, take a bit of a shortcut, all I have to do is focus on God, pray, read, meditate, and I arrive at that blessed state I did in the holidays where I did not snap at anyone, where I treated them with the respect they deserved, where all I had to do was negotiate with my negative feelings and pray and they would be gone. Ok, it wasn’t completely ‘perfect’ as I make it sound, but it was heartening. It showed me that I can do it, and it showed me a way of doing it, and for that I am so grateful. Even though I’m having trouble with the next step of maintaining that during the semester, not falling into stressed out cruel arrogant student academic mode. See, by the end of the holidays I let these thoughts through – criticisms about things, starting off small, just the normal everyday things that people talk about, and then it spiraled out of control into this crazy place where I was just so arrogant and I’d sit in tutorials sighing about how other people didn’t know what they were taking about and I was so much better and…But I’ve strayed from my point and I’ve indulged these things again, and that only strengthens them and I am lost again as to what I do – reject them altogether, which I have vowed to do haven’t I, but then in the context of ‘the world’ that seems so difficult sometimes and though I know I should I just can things clearly, can’t act clearly…But my point in writing this really was to talk about the Wonder. Talk about the fact that underlying all of this has been that energy coming from my heart that gives my head shivers and makes me sit in tutorials looking at the tutor or whoever’s taking or the walls smiling as though I’m in love. Because that’s what I love to do, I just don’t want people to get freaked out so I keep it in check, haha. But this feeling has been my companion since the holidays and I only hope I can be worthy of its presence in me for I have been so blessed.