I'm back!

As suspected, I am back! That post was actually a catalyst for the renewal, combined with other things in my life.
So yeah.
Yesterday I woke up thinking that I was going to die last night. And I failed the test. I was just like shit, if I'm going to cease to exist there's not really any point in doing anything today. Also I sort of new that I wasn't going to, I was just reluctant to completely dismiss it in case it was true.
So, as far as I know, I'm alive and kicking today, and what a wonderful day it is!!!
I talked to Krister. I left a few of you a number of days ago thinking that I was wanting to dump him and all, but that was extreme thoughts, and I've changed and grown and all that jazz since. I told him how I'm not sure that I love him, which he already knew. Thankfully, he was in a mood he could handle that in. So we are still 'going out', but who knows what will happen in the future. We are 'transcendental friends', meaning that I guess we accept in us that which is in all relationships, for me at least - with anyone I like as a friends, I could just as well 'go out' with them. There isn't a line for me other than the socially imposed. Now you'll all think I want to go out with you all and hate me and ostracise me! Oh no! Nah, I have great friends who seem to understand all these things, and even feel the same way. It's odd, I guess, because most people would not be like that. Inconclusion, you guys are great and I'm glad you're in my life.
I tried to go to the drama practical stuff this morn, but Mrs Rowe would not let me. No pirate Krister and homosexuality for me :(
Good news! I decided my hating of self and view of life as pointless and all was disillusionment. So now I am no longer succumbing to disilliusionment, instead favouring possibility. Hooray!
I'm going to go now, I think. If I continue writing it will just turn into crap.
In a couple of days I'm completely free of work! Then what will I do? But I refuse to be lame and waste all my time. Speaking of which, the other day I identified that feeling that has pervaded my life, that cripples me so I don't do anything, that I have been trying to run away from. But I identified it and decided that one cannot go around things, or under or whatever, but you have to go through them. It's brilliant. Accept them, embrace them, only then can you move on. And that's what I did. And it took me only a mater of hours, or even hour, to change it. Because part of my anti-disillusionment was deciding that I can change things, if I don't like them, then change them. Simple as that. Of course it can be hard to change things. Old habits die hard. but it's worth it. And it took a far shorter time than anticipated. So now I shall no longer be crippled by silly feelings, but get off my restricted arse and do stuff! Hooray! It's a revolution!
I carried this over to my dad's. Because when I'm at dad's especially my "fluidity is forestalled" and I don't do anything and I end up feeling like shit. But this time it was different. So I did a lot of sitting when I perhaps should have been working, I even fucking watched three episodes of the OC because Alana was watching it and there was nowhere I could work (actually, in retrospect, I could have gone outside or something). But yeah, I did all that shit, but i didn't end up feeling like shit. I discovered I was a little restricted in myself by the end, but it was not as bad as usual. So hooray!
I'm going to go buy some stuff with which to make some sort of art in the holidays...I don't want to list all the stuff I shall do. Doesn't seem right. But I am going to make it great. Writing this seems bad. Why? Perhaps I know that I am not going to do the stuff I want. But I shall! I am determined at least to try it all out. If it doesn't work then fine, at least I tried and I know. Determined!
Anywho!
My love to you all!