My blog appears to be not working at the moment, so I thought I'd just post a little something and see what happened. Otherwise, I don't know. Maybe I'll just start a new one when I have the care to.

Haha, now it's working. Just needed a post, I guess.
Well, take care.

Hi!
My silly mother believes that it is impossible to have the same trust in a relationship with a bisexual person as with a straight person. Why? Because, obviously, they are far more likely to have affairs and the such. What the fuck. She holds this as blatantly obvious, logical truth, and would not hear otherwise. Some people *sigh*
In other news...Not much. How exiting.
Have fun, all.

I'm back!

As suspected, I am back! That post was actually a catalyst for the renewal, combined with other things in my life.
So yeah.
Yesterday I woke up thinking that I was going to die last night. And I failed the test. I was just like shit, if I'm going to cease to exist there's not really any point in doing anything today. Also I sort of new that I wasn't going to, I was just reluctant to completely dismiss it in case it was true.
So, as far as I know, I'm alive and kicking today, and what a wonderful day it is!!!
I talked to Krister. I left a few of you a number of days ago thinking that I was wanting to dump him and all, but that was extreme thoughts, and I've changed and grown and all that jazz since. I told him how I'm not sure that I love him, which he already knew. Thankfully, he was in a mood he could handle that in. So we are still 'going out', but who knows what will happen in the future. We are 'transcendental friends', meaning that I guess we accept in us that which is in all relationships, for me at least - with anyone I like as a friends, I could just as well 'go out' with them. There isn't a line for me other than the socially imposed. Now you'll all think I want to go out with you all and hate me and ostracise me! Oh no! Nah, I have great friends who seem to understand all these things, and even feel the same way. It's odd, I guess, because most people would not be like that. Inconclusion, you guys are great and I'm glad you're in my life.
I tried to go to the drama practical stuff this morn, but Mrs Rowe would not let me. No pirate Krister and homosexuality for me :(
Good news! I decided my hating of self and view of life as pointless and all was disillusionment. So now I am no longer succumbing to disilliusionment, instead favouring possibility. Hooray!
I'm going to go now, I think. If I continue writing it will just turn into crap.
In a couple of days I'm completely free of work! Then what will I do? But I refuse to be lame and waste all my time. Speaking of which, the other day I identified that feeling that has pervaded my life, that cripples me so I don't do anything, that I have been trying to run away from. But I identified it and decided that one cannot go around things, or under or whatever, but you have to go through them. It's brilliant. Accept them, embrace them, only then can you move on. And that's what I did. And it took me only a mater of hours, or even hour, to change it. Because part of my anti-disillusionment was deciding that I can change things, if I don't like them, then change them. Simple as that. Of course it can be hard to change things. Old habits die hard. but it's worth it. And it took a far shorter time than anticipated. So now I shall no longer be crippled by silly feelings, but get off my restricted arse and do stuff! Hooray! It's a revolution!
I carried this over to my dad's. Because when I'm at dad's especially my "fluidity is forestalled" and I don't do anything and I end up feeling like shit. But this time it was different. So I did a lot of sitting when I perhaps should have been working, I even fucking watched three episodes of the OC because Alana was watching it and there was nowhere I could work (actually, in retrospect, I could have gone outside or something). But yeah, I did all that shit, but i didn't end up feeling like shit. I discovered I was a little restricted in myself by the end, but it was not as bad as usual. So hooray!
I'm going to go buy some stuff with which to make some sort of art in the holidays...I don't want to list all the stuff I shall do. Doesn't seem right. But I am going to make it great. Writing this seems bad. Why? Perhaps I know that I am not going to do the stuff I want. But I shall! I am determined at least to try it all out. If it doesn't work then fine, at least I tried and I know. Determined!
Anywho!
My love to you all!

Done and done

Lame lame lame. Who writes this shit? Honestly, this is the end of my blog for now.
I'll probably turn around and write something tomorrow. Woveda.
Seriously, it all sounds just so lame.
And my current modes of thinking I have no desire to blog, which explains the lack of posts.
If anyone checks this anymore, that is.
Ach, whenever I go to write here I just want to write whiney depressed things, particularly please be my friend things, or things that show everyone how great I am, which I have none of. So it's just the former, then.
Ach again! Please be my friend *whine whine whine*. What a loser. That's all this fucking blog is. How very sad.
I'm going to shut up now.
All the best to whomever reads this.
I hope to be able to send my love into the world somehow, if it even exists.
Night night, and fare thee well.

Wow! an actual (sort of) story!

Two people stood alone together at the edge of the world.
In front of them and expanse of darkness. Behind, a jetty, faintly illuminated in the ligth of the stars, leading to... it does not matter.
The ocean, ever-moving , rolled in... and out... caressing the pillars of the jetty and the creatures that had taken refuge there.
Shifting phosphorescence from the ocean's depths, the rest a darkness of possibility.
In the darkness, all was transformed to formles beings of possibility.
The two gazed up at the sky. At the sparkling stars, at the shooting stars that left pale pink, pale blue, stardust in trails through the sky, slowly falling, shimmering faintly, down to earth. Some landed glittering upon the two, and they smiled at the gift. As the stardust met the ocean it became part of it, joining its enigmatic phosphorescent possibility.
The two shared a space, a time, with eachother, little troubled, only subconsciously aware of the faintly distinguishable shadows hovering around them, within them. Forms of swirling darkess with the occaisional flash of an eye of bright white, weaving in and out, through eachother.
As the two stood alone together at the edge of the world.
They looked as if they were holding hands, but they were not. They seemed to be in eachother's arms, but they were not, they just were, in themselves, and in eachother, and in the silhouettes that followed them.

There, some niceness, in my mind, perhaps not well expressed. Critiques are fun!
Love to you, readers and others.

Hello!
I've been living in a dream land lately. And by that I don't mean that nothing's been real or anything. Quite the contrary, actually. I mean that my whole existence has been increasingly animated by dreams. Primarily, at the moment, dreams of the wonders of the holidays. I have great hopes for them, being my last no work extended period of time till after school.
I have been thinking that I guess al existence is animated by dreams for what can be, for what's to come. I'm not not sure if that's bad or not. I guess it's like that for everyone?
So great plans for the holidays! Really looking forward to them. Bit stupid really. Biding my time for the next few weeks until 'real' life starts. Then if I were to die 'real' life would never come. Torn, i am. If I'm going to die or something I want to be having lots of fun. But if I've got a while then I can afford to spend time doing work. That's life I guess. Just sets a bad precedent for the rest of life. Just end up like everyone else, waiting for retirement, then getting there and finding it's not so great after all because I'm too old and too accustomed to my life as it was.
Anywho. Wonderful dreams! And my mind increasingly giving way to lovely niceness.
So have a great time everyone! Love and hugs (which I seem not to actually give much of in real life, I know. Scared, I guess)! Muah muah.

I don't want to leave school. It means I'll have to go out into the world and take care of myself. I'll have to find a career, which is terrible, because there's nothing I want to do. My Mum is pushing for me to find something at the moment, but the only things I would do at uni don't actually lead to anything. So I'm terribly scared that I'm going to go into a career I don't like and end up hating it and and myself and wasting my life. And I realised that I'm sort of afraid of being mediocre. Silly thing to be afraid of, I know, but I am.
I just don't want to wind up regretting everything. I don't.
Mum thinks I should do journalism at the moment. I thought for a bit that that might be acceptable, but I just went and looked into it and I just found it abhorrent.
Perhaps I should just come to terms with all this shit and shed some of the things that stop me and just 'grow up'. But on the other hand I find that attitude so detestable. I don't know.
So in conclusion I just want to stay in school forever, stop time or something, so I don't have to choose. I'm afraid of choosing wrong.
I guess I'll just have to become a fabulous writer.
Yeah, I haven't posted anything in quite a while. Nothing to post really. Nothing that feels right to write on here.
Dreams are all we have.

"I'm looking for a song to sing, I'm looking for a friend to borrow, I'm looking fro my radio so I might find a heart to follow..."

I've had nothing to post recently, so there's no point in writing this. Meah.
The last little while has been realy great. Today no so great; feeling very weird and pointless. But before was magical!
Marikon came to visit today. She makes me sad. For some reason I seem to care about her a lot. I mean, more than I do about others. Carla, too. I don't know why. There was a time I even thought that I loved Carla, as in loved loved. Just the way things are, I guess. It's funny, they're two people that seem so inaccessable to me, even if I try.
This is fool talk. I don't actually have anything to say, except the world can be so great!
So bye then :)

Let's say I mysteriously went missing once upon a time. No one would care after, say, a month (except, of course, Krister). I know that's a stupid, insecure, grabbing for attention, lameass thing to say, but nevertheless, it's true.
Now, o' course, this fact is the fault of nobody but myself, I am quite aware. It still sicks, though.
Wouldn't it sometimes be nice to be an ignorant fool and blame everyone else! How much easier. But far worse in the long term. Foolish thoughts.
(And just so it is clarified, I have absolutely no intention of mysteriously disappearing at this present time.)
But I'm not really depressed about it, although it may seem. It's more the implications of that that can be a bit upsetting. ie. not having friends to such a degree.
At least there is someone for me, though. For many others there is no one.
And the world is a beautiful and magical place, so I hope everyone is having fun!